Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Upgraded Bulletproof Coffee: No Kevlar Necessary

As I posted a few entries ago, I wanted to do a review of Upgraded Bulletproof Coffee. The reason I had to wait is this stuff isn't exactly sold in stores - I had to order from and wait for it to ship. I can't complain about the shipping process - the guys at the website not only quickly responded to one of my questions, but they shipped within a few days. I honestly thought I'd be waiting a lot longer since the big Joe Rogan rush (I can't say shit, that's where I found out about this stuff.)

So, I've been patiently sipping Folgers and wondering what exactly I just spent over twenty dollars on. As you all know by now, I have been trying to kick my diet soda habit and I needed to replace the caffeine. When I read that this coffee was the most clean, environmentally sound, toxin-free coffee you can find, my heart started skipping a beat (I should get that checked out with all this detox going on lately).

The creator of this coffee is named Dave Asprey and he totally looks like he's one of those guys who would click the wink button on His ideal date would be you watching him take these pictures while grass-fed butter melts on those abs.

                                                     Even his beard is grass-fed.

Dave's website has a blog that describes his biohacking techniques, current projects he is researching, products he sells for optimizing your lifestyle, and even his own diet (think Atkins and Paleo, but not fucking toxic and stupid.) His profile describes him as "a Silicon valley investor, computer security expert, and entrepreneur who spent 15 years and $250,000 to hack his own biology. He upgraded his brain by >20 IQ points, lowered his biological age, and lost 100 lbs without using calories or exercise."

Wow. I picked up a towel by kicking it up off the floor and into my hand this morning and thought I was accomplished. I think I'm going to listen to this guy tell me what's successful in dieting and health.

Well here are the essentials of a morning start right here.

Green mug no longer featuring Johnny Walker

On the left is Nutivia Coconut oil (I'll explain that later), center is a big, hot mug full of Upgraded bulletproof coffee, and the right is the full amount of coffee grounds I got from the bag. (I know if Dave saw that I was storing this coffee in an old won-ton soup container he would faint on his earthing mat.)

First off - the smell of the coffee alone makes it worth the twenty dollars. I sniffed the huge tub of seven dollar Folgers and then the Bulletproof Once I started brewing it, I was completely blown away. Bulletproof has such a crisp, strong, and pure coffee smell like I've never experienced. I can't even describe it, folks. All I can say is it's exactly what you wished a coffeehouse smelled like.

After that, Folger's smells like the hearty puke of a Starbuck's barista. 

The first few sips were just the black coffee. It has that clean but bitter bite all decent black coffee should have. I personally love black coffee so although I know I was supposed to do a bit of mixing, I honestly have no trouble drinking it like that alone.

Now comes the weird part - that jar of coconut oil you see there? Yeah, that totally goes in the coffee. I thought it was a bit weird to put coconut oil in, especially because it has such a greasy lard-like consistency.

                                      Coffee + Coconut Oil = what Brian Wilson's flip flop tastes like?

I mixed it in and I watched as the coffee started to take on an appearance of motor oil. I took a gulp and braced myself for pure hatred.

Shit was delicious. I repeat, Captain: The shit. was. delicious.  The coconut oil added a touch of flavor that I never expected to shine through. I expected pure bitterness and loss of tastebuds, but it was exactly what the coffee needed. Not to mention, the fats from the coconut oil mixed with this coffee is downright good for you, helping to build stronger cell walls and help you burn fat quickly (maybe not downright better for you, but a much better choice than a bagel and cream cheese).

It's now five hours later and I can tell you I feel energetic and I'm not hungry at all. Usually by this point I'm staring down the delivery drivers like high-noon gunfighters. I simply don't have the urge to eat right now and I couldn't be happier about it.

Bulletproof coffee absolutely exceeded my expectations. I had no idea I would be such a firm believer. The only downsides I can honestly find are that the coffee mixed with the oil is, although very delicious, gets a bit oily towards the end of the cup. If that kind of texture will gross you out or throw you off, then I suggest try drinking it black or maybe mixing it with Stevia. And yes, I know I am supposed to mix it with grass-fed butter for the full effect, but I dislike butter. A lot. The thought of throwing a pat of butter into my coffee was a bit disturbing, but maybe after a few weeks of drinking this I'll warm up to the idea.

Dave Asprey, you're the man. Even if you do seem kind of like some kind of  Neal Stephenson cyberpunk villain.

                                                     After I wrote this, he downloaded my brain.
                                                             He's regretted it ever since.

Dave's website is where he features his coffee, products, blog, and podcasts. Definitely check him out.

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