Monday, November 26, 2012

What year is this??

You may have noticed I disappeared for a few days there. Well, one glance at the calendar and you'll know why I can't exactly preach about health and food.

                                                        Bitches love my neckerchief.

Alcoholic turkey is the cutest depiction of my gorging and drunkenness I can possibly provide. Besides turkey and gallons of alcohol I indulged in mashed potatoes, garlic broccoli, baked goods, beef tenderloin, and the overall pure gluttony of making fun of the New York Jets. Truly I have shamed the health gods and danced the lasicvious tango of carbohydrates and hydrogenated oils. It's a nice way of saying I seriously fucked up this Thanksgiving.

But I'm back now. I feel gross, miserable, and sluggish from all the garbage and I'm very happily back to eating like a sane human. Let's try this again, shall we?

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Upgraded Bulletproof Coffee: No Kevlar Necessary

As I posted a few entries ago, I wanted to do a review of Upgraded Bulletproof Coffee. The reason I had to wait is this stuff isn't exactly sold in stores - I had to order from and wait for it to ship. I can't complain about the shipping process - the guys at the website not only quickly responded to one of my questions, but they shipped within a few days. I honestly thought I'd be waiting a lot longer since the big Joe Rogan rush (I can't say shit, that's where I found out about this stuff.)

So, I've been patiently sipping Folgers and wondering what exactly I just spent over twenty dollars on. As you all know by now, I have been trying to kick my diet soda habit and I needed to replace the caffeine. When I read that this coffee was the most clean, environmentally sound, toxin-free coffee you can find, my heart started skipping a beat (I should get that checked out with all this detox going on lately).

The creator of this coffee is named Dave Asprey and he totally looks like he's one of those guys who would click the wink button on His ideal date would be you watching him take these pictures while grass-fed butter melts on those abs.

                                                     Even his beard is grass-fed.

Dave's website has a blog that describes his biohacking techniques, current projects he is researching, products he sells for optimizing your lifestyle, and even his own diet (think Atkins and Paleo, but not fucking toxic and stupid.) His profile describes him as "a Silicon valley investor, computer security expert, and entrepreneur who spent 15 years and $250,000 to hack his own biology. He upgraded his brain by >20 IQ points, lowered his biological age, and lost 100 lbs without using calories or exercise."

Wow. I picked up a towel by kicking it up off the floor and into my hand this morning and thought I was accomplished. I think I'm going to listen to this guy tell me what's successful in dieting and health.

Well here are the essentials of a morning start right here.

Green mug no longer featuring Johnny Walker

On the left is Nutivia Coconut oil (I'll explain that later), center is a big, hot mug full of Upgraded bulletproof coffee, and the right is the full amount of coffee grounds I got from the bag. (I know if Dave saw that I was storing this coffee in an old won-ton soup container he would faint on his earthing mat.)

First off - the smell of the coffee alone makes it worth the twenty dollars. I sniffed the huge tub of seven dollar Folgers and then the Bulletproof Once I started brewing it, I was completely blown away. Bulletproof has such a crisp, strong, and pure coffee smell like I've never experienced. I can't even describe it, folks. All I can say is it's exactly what you wished a coffeehouse smelled like.

After that, Folger's smells like the hearty puke of a Starbuck's barista. 

The first few sips were just the black coffee. It has that clean but bitter bite all decent black coffee should have. I personally love black coffee so although I know I was supposed to do a bit of mixing, I honestly have no trouble drinking it like that alone.

Now comes the weird part - that jar of coconut oil you see there? Yeah, that totally goes in the coffee. I thought it was a bit weird to put coconut oil in, especially because it has such a greasy lard-like consistency.

                                      Coffee + Coconut Oil = what Brian Wilson's flip flop tastes like?

I mixed it in and I watched as the coffee started to take on an appearance of motor oil. I took a gulp and braced myself for pure hatred.

Shit was delicious. I repeat, Captain: The shit. was. delicious.  The coconut oil added a touch of flavor that I never expected to shine through. I expected pure bitterness and loss of tastebuds, but it was exactly what the coffee needed. Not to mention, the fats from the coconut oil mixed with this coffee is downright good for you, helping to build stronger cell walls and help you burn fat quickly (maybe not downright better for you, but a much better choice than a bagel and cream cheese).

It's now five hours later and I can tell you I feel energetic and I'm not hungry at all. Usually by this point I'm staring down the delivery drivers like high-noon gunfighters. I simply don't have the urge to eat right now and I couldn't be happier about it.

Bulletproof coffee absolutely exceeded my expectations. I had no idea I would be such a firm believer. The only downsides I can honestly find are that the coffee mixed with the oil is, although very delicious, gets a bit oily towards the end of the cup. If that kind of texture will gross you out or throw you off, then I suggest try drinking it black or maybe mixing it with Stevia. And yes, I know I am supposed to mix it with grass-fed butter for the full effect, but I dislike butter. A lot. The thought of throwing a pat of butter into my coffee was a bit disturbing, but maybe after a few weeks of drinking this I'll warm up to the idea.

Dave Asprey, you're the man. Even if you do seem kind of like some kind of  Neal Stephenson cyberpunk villain.

                                                     After I wrote this, he downloaded my brain.
                                                             He's regretted it ever since.

Dave's website is where he features his coffee, products, blog, and podcasts. Definitely check him out.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Captain Toni of S.S. Holy Shit I'm Drowning

I drank water yesterday. So much water. That kind of submersion where you have to pee until three in the morning, and you're not sure if the perfect storm has finally subsided. That much water.

This morning I hopped on the scale for a laugh...and I lost three pounds. Now to be fair, I own one of those nine dollar Walmart scales that has about as much reliability as a drunk friend edging you into a bar fight. "Yeah, no dude totally - it's all you. I'll be right back, I need to go to the car for..uhh....ok see ya later."

But it also must be said that the error never tended to be in my favor. This is the first time that it actually gave me the upper hand. I just stood there, glaring at it, wondering what kind of sick game this was.

For the sake of my self esteem and my body fiending for sugar and aspartame....I'm going to totally take it and run with it. Hey everybody, I lost three pounds in one night from eating clean and removing diet soda from my system! Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Coca Cola. You fat fucks.

                                                       Toni circa five days ago.

I feel much more energetic today, much more awake and enthused and believe it or not..less stupid. My brain is starting to click back on already. The headaches come and go and the feeling of really wanting sugar gets overpowering at times to a point where it's alarming, but the good outweighs the bad. Suddenly writing doesn't seem like such a hard feat anymore.
Some months back I was given a project to work on and all it required was writing a novella within two weeks time...and I could barely get twenty pages in before a brain fart turned into a brain "going to need my Nook for this one" crap.  ...That metaphor is not speaking volumes about my ability to write again, is it?

Screw it, I'm keeping it. I need a fart joke or two to get me through these next few weeks.

Tomorrow should be my first cup of Bulletproof Coffee, the product I introduced a few entries back. I'll be writing a review of it and letting you know whether twenty dollars for a tiny bag of coffee is magic or mutiny.

                                              The secret ingredient is unjacketed lead bullets.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Day one. It begins...

The weekend was spent eating for an army on a marijuana binge. The snacks, fatty foods, breads, and desire of death were saturated and dense. By Sunday afternoon, after a long walk across the walkway and trying to keep up with my mother in the midst of a shopping spree, I was sluggish and tired, asleep by ten. I felt useless and out of touch with myself, laying on a couch and watching Frank play Halo - even watching Master Chief run around helplessly made me feel exhausted.

The thrills of being twenty four, eh?

This morning I woke up and felt so relieved to be done with eating shitty foods. Bring on the veggies and nuts, I need my health back.

I was feeling great this morning, driving into work with my cup of black coffee and a feeling of freshness I haven't had in awhile. At a red light in Stamford, maybe a couple miles away from my job, I glanced into my rear view mirror and saw a brown van behind me. As soon as I looked at him he grimaced and gave me the middle finger.  I thought may I had cut him off or did something to piss him off...but I had been in the same lane for two miles and had done absolutely nothing dick-ish on the road. And believe me, I know when I do something rude: I will actually open my window or approach the person in a parking lot and apologize sincerely.  I had done nothing to this guy and he, quite simply, was an asshole. I didn't even make a face or get upset back, I simply looked back to the road and sat in quiet disbelief.

 I don't think it's the Mayan calendar we have to worry about...the apocalypse will be of our fruition - a bunch of mean spirited, terrible people acting like savages and hating one another until there's nobody left.

                                                 Don't even ask what's in the pistol.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Walk of shame in my own apartment

Oofah.  What you're looking at in that picture is nothing more than the devil's sick joke but known in common vernacular as a "cheesy potato burrito." I usually don't get tummyaches from fast food but this morning I learned for whom the Taco Bell tolls.

I have been trying to clean my apartment and I'm sluggish, tired, and cramped. I hate to say how disappointed I am in that because this was my last Taco Bell fix.  I feel like I was given my last meal in prison and I found a fly in it.

I would write more but I'm afraid the burrito might hear my bashing and get angry. And I certainly won't like when it's angry....

Friday, November 16, 2012

Say goodbye to old heart stopping friends...

My detox begins on Monday, so tonight I'm going to say goodbye to garbage food by making one last stop at Taco Bell. 

What's been interesting about this week is I've been eating all the same garbage I would usually have no problem stuffing into my face...but I'm reading the labels over as I eat it. My basic rule of thum is now if the ingredient sounds like something the mouth of Sauron would gurgle in the back of his throat, I probably don't want to eat it.

I'll be having one last cheesy burrito and taco and believe me...I'm going to enjoy every fucking bite. I hate admitting how delicious Taco Bell is...and I hate admitting more how commonly I'll say, "eh, I'm just not going to think about what's in it."

On that note, since I can't exactly look at a nutritional label on a's some interesting reads about how the filler is not even 40% meat. I think it's safe to assume that it wasn't grass-fed beef either...

Bulletproof Coffee - sense of spending guilt included!

I first heard about this on the Joe Rogan podcast, #275 Dave Asprey. I have the link here if you've got two hours to kill and want to hear some amazing, mind-blowing shit about the mycotoxins and mold you ingest every single day.

I found myself absolutely fascinated by the concepts he brought up...especially because they're so simple and logical. If you get past the extensive scientific vocabulary and look at it from the ground's simply put: stop putting bad shit in your mouth.

It's hunt and gather mentality. Eat lean meats and raw vegetables as much as possible and remove the unclean and useless carbohydrates that cause inflammation and are foreign to your body. What a simple fucking concept! It's one of those face-palm worthy "why didn't I think of that?" moments that make you wonder how you hold a college degree.

He pushed his Bulletproof coffee pretty hard in the first part of the podcast, making a lot of big claims that it can keep you full for eight hours at a time and that his coffee is the best of the best, keeping you energized and working at optimal level. But at 18.95 a bag, I was pretty damned hesitant. I get angry when Starbucks charges me three dollars for green tea that tastes like it was brewed in a July-heat garbage dumpster, let alone almost pay 20 bucks for a pound of coffee.

Some of the pinpoints from the website include:

  1. It is carefully produced and tested with new and old methods to target the lowest toxin content vs. normal coffee, so you get all the benefits of coffee without the negative health effects.
  2. The beans are harvested from a single family-owned estate in Guatemala located 1250 meters above sea level, high enough to produce great coffee.
  3. The estate is Passive Organic and the family that owns it does not allow chemicals (herbicides, pesticides, etc.) It is not economical for Central American boutique coffee estates to become certified organic.
  4. They are hand picked by experienced coffee harvesters – skilled people who know how to pick only perfectly ripe berries.
  5. Most coffee beans are processed by either leaving them in the sun and elements to wither and dry, or by pressing them and letting them ferment (spoil) to remove the outer layer of the bean.  Both of these techniques are known to produce significant levels of mycotoxins as they enhance flavor. Upgraded Coffee beans are mechanically processed right after picking using only clean cold water.  This more expensive process is safer because it dramatically reduces harmful molds or bacteria from impacting your health.
  6. The beans are roasted in small batches by the #1 ranked roaster in United States under the strictest conditions.  Roasting the beans enhances their antioxidant capacity and flavor to provide you with a healthier, tastier cup of coffee.
It puts where your money goes into a bit of perspective. If I'm going to kick my diet coke habit I'm going to need my caffeine while I'm having Trainspotting-baby-crawling-on-the-ceiling withdrawals from the shit. So, I splurged and bought it. It should be arriving in the mail either Monday or Tuesday. I'll be sure to do a post reviewing it.

Hey, if twenty bucks can give me some kind of unconscious peace of mind and help me ease into this detox, then fuck it. I've spent more money on sillier things at Giggles in a drunken stupor...and those don't have money back guarantees.

(Dave Asprey's website is if you're interested in the coffee or his really fascinating reports on mycotoxins and mold. Be warned, he's still a businessman, so take some of his posts with a grain of salt...)