Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Captain Toni of S.S. Holy Shit I'm Drowning

I drank water yesterday. So much water. That kind of submersion where you have to pee until three in the morning, and you're not sure if the perfect storm has finally subsided. That much water.

This morning I hopped on the scale for a laugh...and I lost three pounds. Now to be fair, I own one of those nine dollar Walmart scales that has about as much reliability as a drunk friend edging you into a bar fight. "Yeah, no dude totally - it's all you. I'll be right back, I need to go to the car for..uhh....ok see ya later."

But it also must be said that the error never tended to be in my favor. This is the first time that it actually gave me the upper hand. I just stood there, glaring at it, wondering what kind of sick game this was.

For the sake of my self esteem and my body fiending for sugar and aspartame....I'm going to totally take it and run with it. Hey everybody, I lost three pounds in one night from eating clean and removing diet soda from my system! Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Coca Cola. You fat fucks.

                                                       Toni circa five days ago.
                                                            (Propertry NatalieDee.com)

I feel much more energetic today, much more awake and enthused and believe it or not..less stupid. My brain is starting to click back on already. The headaches come and go and the feeling of really wanting sugar gets overpowering at times to a point where it's alarming, but the good outweighs the bad. Suddenly writing doesn't seem like such a hard feat anymore.
Some months back I was given a project to work on and all it required was writing a novella within two weeks time...and I could barely get twenty pages in before a brain fart turned into a brain "going to need my Nook for this one" crap.  ...That metaphor is not speaking volumes about my ability to write again, is it?

Screw it, I'm keeping it. I need a fart joke or two to get me through these next few weeks.

Tomorrow should be my first cup of Bulletproof Coffee, the product I introduced a few entries back. I'll be writing a review of it and letting you know whether twenty dollars for a tiny bag of coffee is magic or mutiny.

                                              The secret ingredient is unjacketed lead bullets.

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